Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian – Breaks Down Bible Based Marriage
This has got to be one of the best videos I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s hilarious, thought-provoking, and oh-so-detailed! You can tell so much work went into it!
You need to watch it more than once, to focus on the different parts. Once to watch it and get the overall impression, one time to pay closer attention to the graphics, one time to read the Bible verse citations, once to read the snarky captions…and then a bunch more times to just laugh and laugh!!! 😀
Gotta give props where props are due. Deven Green plays Betty Bowers, and the killer illustrations are by Steve Hogan.
In case you wanna read along, here’s a transcription:
BETTY BOWERS: Here’s a well-known fact. All you unsaved trash out there have no idea what constitutes a Bible-based marriage, and here’s a little known secret – neither do Christians. And that’s why the Lord has called upon me, America’s Best Christian, to teach all of you his definition of marriage. Pay close attention, because he’s rather inventive!
In the beginning of time, say…6000 years ago, God created one man and one woman. They had two children, both had penises. You might inquisitively ask, “Lord, if Adam and Eve only had boys, where did the grandchildren come from?” Trust me, you’re not going to like his reply. A Bible-based marriage is between one man, one woman, and the son she seduces after he’s killed his only brother.
A family that slays and lays together, stays together.
True story: Abraham, the father of three faiths, two of them total rubbish, married his sister. As if that wasn’t sordid enough, slutty sister Sarah invited Abraham to have sex with her maid, someone named Hagar, such an appallingly butch name! A Bible-based marriage is between one man and his sister…and the help! Goodness me, Lord, the help? Doing the help? I don’t even speak to mine.
Quick, what’s the Lord’s favorite way to punish a man who rapes an unmarried virgin? Anyone? Marriage! Yes, a Bible-based marriage is between one woman and her rapist! Mazel Tov!
Remember how God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of Kosher salt? So a Bible-based marriage can sometimes be between one man and a kitchen condiment. Bon Appetit!
So what do you do if you run out of close relatives or servants to marry? Well, the rather crafty Lord has a fabulous tip – just drive over to the nearest town and murder everyone who either has a penis or has seen one. Then just round up all the virgins who are left. Of course, you don’t need to take a big truck if you try this in, say, America. A Bible-based marriage is between one man, a gal who’s kidnapped and raped right after her mother, brother, and slutty sister are slaughtered.
Remember – in the Bible, it’s not rape if the man says, “I do.”
King David had a fabulous collection of wives and a harem absolutely chock full of athletic concubines, whom the Lord had raped by David’s son, because the Lord was in a snit over some drama concerning that little troublemaking tramp Bathsheba. A Bible-based marriage is between one man, a woman, another woman, yet another woman, a few more women, an adulterer, and a pack of raped whores!
In a galling show of one-upmanship, David’s son King Solomon had 700 wives, and because God loves to round up, 300 concubines. Which are really just live-in whores. A Bible-based marriage is between one man and, frankly, enough booty to make a Mormon compound seem quaintly understaffed.
So what do you do when you can’t afford even one wife, let alone a pack of in-house hookers, but you still have your little heart set on having a son? Well, the Lord shrewdly suggests that you inveigle a slave into raping your daughter. Voila! Problem solved. A Bible-based marriage is between one man, Daddy’s little girl, and the slave Daddy hired to rape her. Try getting a Hallmark card for that.
The whole concept of marriage apparently bored bachelor Jesus to tears, other than encouraging his buddies to abandon their wives, about all Jesus said on the subject was that once you do it, that’s it. No running off to Babylon to get a divorce. So, clearly, in the Bible you can have as many wives as you want – just as long as you have them all at once.
So, let’s recap the Lord’s idea of the perfect marriage. It is between one man and his sister, and a rapist, and a kitchen condiment, gal who’s kidnapped and raped, a few more women, an adulterer, and a pack of raped whores, 700 wives, 300 concubines, and the help, and a son who has murdered his brother.
But it is NOT between one man and another man. Because, well, that would be immoral.
ANNOUNCER: Survey says: 4 out of 5 evangelical divorcees believe marriage is sacred.