I ran across this on a message board years ago, and thought it was hilarious. This was before I started keeping a blog, so I had sent it out as a mass email. However, I decided to preserve it in my blog. Some of these, I will freely admit, hit a little bit close to home.


* You find yourself going to the library and more than one bookstore in the same day.

* You are interrupted and asked for help in a bookstore, while returning a book to the shelf, because you are carrying such a stack of books, the other shopper assumes you work there.

* Before leaving on a family outing–anywhere in nature–your family turns to you in unison to ask “Do you have a book you can bring with you?”

* You get to work, realize that you’ve forgotten your painkillers, your inhaler and your lunch, but know that the day will be fine because you have three books.

* The second you step into your local second-hand bookshop, the owner dives into the back room and comes out laden with books he thinks you might want.

* You contemplate feeling guilty that you might be spending more time with books than with your spousal unit, but…NAH.

* You jump up and down with joy and shriek with happiness when
1. the book you have been looking for is on the shelf in the library
2. an author you love comes out with a new book

* You forget to eat or pee, because the book you are reading is so interesting!

* You look forward to a weekend night because you can read instead of going out. (I’m sure this happens to everyone, sometimes)

* You can dress, wash, brush your teeth and cook a meal as easily with a book in one hand as without.

* While touring Monticello, the guide mentions that Thomas Jefferson once had a book collection in excess of a thousand volumes and it contributed to his financial ruin — and your mother, father and fiance all turn around to give you a meaningful look.

* You ask how much somebody reads, and use that amount as serious judge of their character.

* The loads of very small type on the Dr. Bronner’s soap bottles are high on the list of why you buy the product.

* You’re cleaning out your car, and your spouse says, “You want to bring those books inside?” and you reply, “Those are my emergency backup books!” lest you ever be forced to go anywhere without having reading material at hand.

* You walk into someone’s house and you have to violently check the impulse to ignore them and immediately begin checking out their bookshelves. A corollary: when you walk into a house with no visible reading material anywhere and you immediately get nervous.

* You reject purses because their book-holding potential is low.

* You spend extra time on the exercise bike, making yourself late to work, so you can finish a chapter.

* You choose using the exercise bike over other (nominally more appealing) forms of exercise, because it offers the opportunity of reading.

* You find yourself fantasizing about books being waterproof so you could read while showering–and, when you realize they aren’t, you prop the book on the sink so you can start reading again the minute the shower is off (and you might sneak a peek at a few lines during the shower, too).

* You shamelessly cut your dinner into tiny pieces, toddler-style, so that you can eat them with a fork while holding a book in your other hand

* A young sibling approaches you for help finding a suitable book for a report, and you end up having to yell, “Come back! There’s more, I’m not done yet!”

* When you are seriously considering vacating an otherwise great apartment simply because you’ve run out of room for more bookshelves.

* Instead of leaving the apartment, you decide that you’ll buy a laptop computer so you can get rid of your bulky desk and replace it with bookshelves.

* You own several copies of a single book — the small portable copy, the thoroughly marked up copy, the critical edition, and the leather-bound hardcover.

* You pack for a weekend away and packing consists of clean underwear and many books.

* You start choosing the books you are going to read on vacation before you’ve even settled on a final destination.

* When you’re browsing in your local super-bookstore, and feel yourself becoming physically angry that you will NEVER be able to read everything you want to read.

* The librarian asks your mother if you have a TV.

* When you can smell a bookshop from 100 paces and when you can’t understand why some people insist bookshops dont smell.

* You pause on your way to the second-hand bookshop to look at the building-site that will soon be your new local library, and you fantasize about how great it’s going to be.

* You get excited about something you read and you have to proclaim it to somebody, and that somebody is usually a person who has no idea what you’re talking about…but you’re happy to tell someone anyway.

* Your answer to “What book are you reading?” will always be “Which one?”

* Your friends in elementary school had to force you to put down the books at recess and groaned when you’d read during lunch.

* Your first real, girly, dreamy crush (not counting crushes on characters in novels, of course) is on your Lit. teacher, who really isn’t all that good looking, but has an amazing reading voice.

* When said Lit. teacher tells you that he thinks you’d like Joyce and Martin Amis, you buy Dubliners, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, London Fields, The War Against Cliche, and, yes, even Ulysses the day he makes the recommendations.

* You special-order a much wanted book, and when you receive a phone call that it has arrived, you amaze the store owner by coming in ten minutes later to pick it up.

* You tell yourself that you’ll go to bed after you read just five more pages…over and over again until you find you’ve read about 200 pages and the sun is coming up.

* You feel the need to ask those who say they don’t like reading “Don’t you get bored?”

* When you agree completely with Jorge Luis Borges: “I always thought of Paradise as a library, not as a garden”

***Melanie’s Contribution: When you go to Barnes and Noble for recreation/entertainment (as you quite often do), you check out their selection of books in stock by dead authors you love…as if they might have actually published something lately. 😀


When your career choice (teacher) was largely settled on because of the fact that you’d get to be around books all day.